There's so much I could share from the last 4 months, but mostly I want to share about my physical and spiritual struggles adjusting to life as a mommy.
A friend told us before she was born, that there are moments in every parent's life when you want to kill your child...well, I could understand him, but I'm not sure I really believed it! Well, I will confess that I've had a few of those moments...when I'm so sleep deprived from not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time every night, for almost 4 months, and not being able to consistently take naps during the day....there have been moments when I broke down and cried because I was so tired...there were also a few moments where she was screaming or crying for so long that I was going crazy, and having horrible thoughts toward her...of course they were only momentary, and I immediately dismissed them as crazy sinful talk, but Satan has tempted me in many was to count my daughter as more of a curse than a blessing to my life over the last 4 months.
Ellie the day she was born: healthy and amazing!!
Ellie at 1 month: we had a photo shoot done with her
Ellie at 2 months: She started smiling and practicing standing!
Ellie at 3 months: Christmas Day
Ellie at almost 4 months (today):
I wore this red dress 25 years ago!!
The Bible says repeatedly that children are a blessing and good thing for our lives:
Psalm 127:3-5
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
John 16:21
When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.
Proverbs 17:6
Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.
So why do I feel like she is such a curse to me sometimes? I have foolish thoughts sometimes like...
"I never want to go through all this suffering again..."
When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.
Proverbs 17:6
Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.
So why do I feel like she is such a curse to me sometimes? I have foolish thoughts sometimes like...
"I never want to go through all this suffering again..."
"you make me never want to have any more kids..."
"this isn't worth it..."
"do not poop, please do not poop so I'll have to get out of bed to change your diaper"
"you better not be waking up this early!"
"just let me sleeeeeeeeep! you are such a selfish baby!"
Seriously, I can't count the number of times I prayed for her to sleep through the night and it almost never happens. I'll wake up between 2-4 in the morning to feed and change a diaper and have the most sour, joyless attitude possible.
My faith has seriously been tested these last 4 months, and I have really been put through the Lord's refining fire. All my sin is now easily visible on the surface of my life, and I feel hypocritical if I try to pretend I have it all together.
Yet God is so good to me through all my hard days and nights. This song helped me to wake up a little spiritually, and I would sing to myself it in the hardest times in the night when I was waking up multiple times: (still am waking up multiple times)
It's a combination of the words from Psalms 42 and 63, and has been very encouraging to me in my hardest moments.
A few weeks ago, on new years eve, God gave me a revelation about what it means to be a parent, especially now during the little years.
Sacrifice....you sacrifice and give up yourself, your desires, your needs, so that you can take care of someone else's needs, someone who needs you to help them....this is so true about babies and small children. They are completely dependent on you, their parent, for all their needs.
It was then that I understood on a deeper level that Jesus did the same thing for me...giving up the easier way and taking the hard and painful path of obedience to the father in order to carry out the plan for my salvation!! Jesus has also experienced every hardship and temptation that I face now, but he had it much worse, yet was without sin!! Every time after I fail and sin, I remember this, and am incredibly humbled.
Hebrews 4:15 says:
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."
There is a lot of sanctifying work to be done in my heart, especially about patience toward my children, and long suffering with joy, but I'm thankful to God that I'm aware of my sinful heart's condition and that God has given me a strong desire to change and be a better example of the faith to my children in the months and years to come.
A few weeks ago, on new years eve, God gave me a revelation about what it means to be a parent, especially now during the little years.
Sacrifice....you sacrifice and give up yourself, your desires, your needs, so that you can take care of someone else's needs, someone who needs you to help them....this is so true about babies and small children. They are completely dependent on you, their parent, for all their needs.
It was then that I understood on a deeper level that Jesus did the same thing for me...giving up the easier way and taking the hard and painful path of obedience to the father in order to carry out the plan for my salvation!! Jesus has also experienced every hardship and temptation that I face now, but he had it much worse, yet was without sin!! Every time after I fail and sin, I remember this, and am incredibly humbled.
Hebrews 4:15 says:
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."
There is a lot of sanctifying work to be done in my heart, especially about patience toward my children, and long suffering with joy, but I'm thankful to God that I'm aware of my sinful heart's condition and that God has given me a strong desire to change and be a better example of the faith to my children in the months and years to come.
I recently found and started to read a recommended book called Loving the Little Years and by reading it and the Bible, I'm hoping to continue gaining a fresh perspective on the blessing of this time when my daughter is small and needs me constantly. I want to constantly feel in my heart and soul that all my hardships as a mom are all part of the bigger blessing of having children. God certainly is using her as a sanctifying influence in my life, and I'm excited to watch her, and myself, keep growing.
